Monday, December 29, 2003
Christmas has come and gone. I couldn’t be more relieved.
This year the holidays have been extremely difficult for my family. I think we all just went through the motions of opening presents and engaging in past traditions because we felt like we had to. As much as I tried to keep my positive attitude, 4 days in Albany definitely stripped that out of me. My parents, as usual, went overboard with the presents and I walked away with (basically) a new entertainment system. Dvd Player, bigger television, Cd burner, Playstation 2, etc. I was overwhelmed and really excited. Other than that, this Christmas is one I would prefer to never revisit.
New Year’s is this week and I must say that I am dreading that as well.
Maybe it’s because I have had a horrible month, or maybe it’s because my life is need of some major changes, but either way, I hate everyone and everything right now.
During the month of December, my friends have managed to turn my life upside down.
I hate fighting with my friends and will usually try to do whatever I can to fix the situation so that we can all be a tight knit group again. But this time around, I feel like I have no group. The group has turned into something I don’t like and worse, something I don’t feel comfortable in.
My closest friends in NYC are Angie, Kelly, and Mariah. In December I found out some secrets that they were keeping from me; secrets that were hurtful and did major damage to my trust in them. I thought that I would be able to get over it with time and that I would chalk this ugly situation up to a growing pain that a group of friends goes through. But it seems like as time goes by, I become increasingly more angry and upset. It’s almost to the point where I feel as though I want to pull away from the group entirely and make all new friends.
These feelings are all very new to me. I have had girl friends my whole life, but I’ve never felt so hurt and betrayed by any of them as I do now. I’ve never felt so lonely, so out of the loop, and so angry. I can honestly say that I have gone overboard in making sure that these three ladies were happy and comfortable and included in everything that I was lucky to be a part of.
The problem here is that my close friends are all lesbians. They can go out to the bars with each other and have the time of their lives. Unfortunately for me, the lone gay man in our group, they are not nearly as interested in going out to the places that I would prefer. It’s not that they WON’T go out with me, cuz they will. But if I don’t organize the outing, it won’t happen. Yet, they don’t need me to organize a lesbian night out. That they can do completely on their own.
I can’t seem to come up with a solution to the way I feel.
I have had numerous talks with Kelly that I thought were really positive. Unfortunately, none of them has changed the way that I feel towards her right now. I don’t like who she is dating (Paul’s dud of a roommate Jen) and until I can either get over it or accept it, I don’t see how I can be around her. At least, not around her at Paul’s apartment. I don’t like that she is there without me, yet I can’t be there when she’s there, cuz I just know I will lose my temper.
I tend to be very guarded about places and relationships that I have claimed as my own. It’s a very immature trait that I have, although it never usually comes to the surface. Now, with Kelly dating Jen, it’s on the surface of my skin every day and I find myself spending most of my free time angry and irritated. Don’t get me wrong…I love Kelly. She is one of my best friends and always will be, but until her and Jen break up, I don’t want her at Paul’s apartment. I just don’t. It’s selfish and close-minded of me and unfortunately, nothing she can say will change the way I feel.
Kelly and I have had a rough month together – A month that has left me wondering who she has become. It seemed to happen over night, but here it is…the new Kelly. And sadly, it’s a Kelly that I feel has hurt me very deeply. I am almost nervous to talk to her everyday, for fear that she is going to throw yet another curb ball in my direction that is going to push me over the deep end once and for all.
But, if you can’t talk about something and fix it, how do you move forward?
This is not the way to have a best friendship. But this is where we are right now.
I guess the main reason why I am so frustrated is because no matter how many talks I have with these girls about the way I feel, I still walk away angry and hurt. Sometimes worse than before the talks.
Where is Calgon when really you need it?
This year the holidays have been extremely difficult for my family. I think we all just went through the motions of opening presents and engaging in past traditions because we felt like we had to. As much as I tried to keep my positive attitude, 4 days in Albany definitely stripped that out of me. My parents, as usual, went overboard with the presents and I walked away with (basically) a new entertainment system. Dvd Player, bigger television, Cd burner, Playstation 2, etc. I was overwhelmed and really excited. Other than that, this Christmas is one I would prefer to never revisit.
New Year’s is this week and I must say that I am dreading that as well.
Maybe it’s because I have had a horrible month, or maybe it’s because my life is need of some major changes, but either way, I hate everyone and everything right now.
During the month of December, my friends have managed to turn my life upside down.
I hate fighting with my friends and will usually try to do whatever I can to fix the situation so that we can all be a tight knit group again. But this time around, I feel like I have no group. The group has turned into something I don’t like and worse, something I don’t feel comfortable in.
My closest friends in NYC are Angie, Kelly, and Mariah. In December I found out some secrets that they were keeping from me; secrets that were hurtful and did major damage to my trust in them. I thought that I would be able to get over it with time and that I would chalk this ugly situation up to a growing pain that a group of friends goes through. But it seems like as time goes by, I become increasingly more angry and upset. It’s almost to the point where I feel as though I want to pull away from the group entirely and make all new friends.
These feelings are all very new to me. I have had girl friends my whole life, but I’ve never felt so hurt and betrayed by any of them as I do now. I’ve never felt so lonely, so out of the loop, and so angry. I can honestly say that I have gone overboard in making sure that these three ladies were happy and comfortable and included in everything that I was lucky to be a part of.
The problem here is that my close friends are all lesbians. They can go out to the bars with each other and have the time of their lives. Unfortunately for me, the lone gay man in our group, they are not nearly as interested in going out to the places that I would prefer. It’s not that they WON’T go out with me, cuz they will. But if I don’t organize the outing, it won’t happen. Yet, they don’t need me to organize a lesbian night out. That they can do completely on their own.
I can’t seem to come up with a solution to the way I feel.
I have had numerous talks with Kelly that I thought were really positive. Unfortunately, none of them has changed the way that I feel towards her right now. I don’t like who she is dating (Paul’s dud of a roommate Jen) and until I can either get over it or accept it, I don’t see how I can be around her. At least, not around her at Paul’s apartment. I don’t like that she is there without me, yet I can’t be there when she’s there, cuz I just know I will lose my temper.
I tend to be very guarded about places and relationships that I have claimed as my own. It’s a very immature trait that I have, although it never usually comes to the surface. Now, with Kelly dating Jen, it’s on the surface of my skin every day and I find myself spending most of my free time angry and irritated. Don’t get me wrong…I love Kelly. She is one of my best friends and always will be, but until her and Jen break up, I don’t want her at Paul’s apartment. I just don’t. It’s selfish and close-minded of me and unfortunately, nothing she can say will change the way I feel.
Kelly and I have had a rough month together – A month that has left me wondering who she has become. It seemed to happen over night, but here it is…the new Kelly. And sadly, it’s a Kelly that I feel has hurt me very deeply. I am almost nervous to talk to her everyday, for fear that she is going to throw yet another curb ball in my direction that is going to push me over the deep end once and for all.
But, if you can’t talk about something and fix it, how do you move forward?
This is not the way to have a best friendship. But this is where we are right now.
I guess the main reason why I am so frustrated is because no matter how many talks I have with these girls about the way I feel, I still walk away angry and hurt. Sometimes worse than before the talks.
Where is Calgon when really you need it?
